Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

Warning: This will not be as humorous as my last post. (Just thought I'd be nice and let you know in advance).

Today was Ash Wednesday. It's the beginning of my absolute FAVORITE church season. Lent. It's weird, I guess... but every year I look forward to Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, and Good Friday services more than I look forward to Christmas. Easter is the untainted holiday to me... Daddy got sick a week before Thanksgiving of 2006 and died two days before Christmas... so those holidays just aren't the same to me anymore. Which is understandable I suppose. Anyway, ever since both of my grandparents and my dad died, I struggle with the service more because they were cremated and I can vividly remember the pastor saying "remember that you are from dust and to dust you shall return" while their ashes were placed in the memorial garden at church. So, I knew that tonight would be hard, but good at the same time. (If that makes sense..)

Got to church, found a pew near the front... 2nd mom Emily sat on my right and her son, Kevin, one of my bestest and most amazing friends, sat on my left. Service started and it was wonderful. During the imposition of the ashes, I cried. And somehow Pastor Mark knew that he just needed to mark my forehead and let me leave... especially since I barely got out an "Amen" after he said the words. Back at my seat, I glanced over the rest of the bulletin and saw that the dismissal hymn was none-other than "Abide with me".

Now, let me be clear. That's a great song. It was my grandma Ann's favorite. It was played at her funeral as one of the prelude songs. A year and a half later after her funeral, it was played at my dad's.
I distinctly remember walking into the narthex of church with my mom and Uncle John and standing there waiting for the service hymn to start and to walk down the aisle. While standing there, "Abide with me" started playing. All I could see in my head was my dad getting misty eyed at church the first time it was played after Grandma Ann (his mother) died. Uncle John grabbed my hand, and pulled me to him, and I cried onto his suit jacket for 5 minutes until it was time to march down the aisle.

Needless to say, this was going to be hard. So it's time for the last song... I stand up and put my hand on the pew in front of me (something that both Grandma Ann and my dad always did... perhaps that's where I get it from?) and Emily (Mom 2) put her hand on top of mine (Thank God). Song starts, I start crying... by the end of the first verse I can't see through my glasses... Do okay on the 2nd and 3rd verse... end of the 3rd verse Kevin leaned down and asked me something about what we were going to do after the service (really? does that matter right this second?) and I just kept staring ahead... I assume he asked Emily ( both of these lovely people are taller than me, so I'm guessing they talked over my head) Emily let Kevin know that this was played at my dad's funeral and finally everything made sense to him. I'm sure he wondered why I looked so crazy after coming back from getting the ashes on my head (Aside from the actual ashes on my head of course).

It was hard this year.... Pastor John made a good point tonight though. Are you confessing your sins as a ritual prayer that we speak every Sunday and not expecting anything out of it? or, are you confessing truly, and deeply and having a come to Jesus experience and conversation with him wondering what you've done, or what you're not doing?

Think about it. It's super deep. And so very true. That, is why I adore Pastor John.
And in the words of him, "give Lent a go, 40 days from now, it will be Easter, and I'm willing to make a wager on you... and how much you will have changed."

Lent isn't just about giving up bad habits... like biting your nails, or saying no to anything chocolate, or pasta, or gum.. or soda.... It's about figuring out what you're doing wrong or not doing. It's about making that change happen and experiencing EVERYTHING that God has to offer you. Lent is an amazing time my friends, and yes, the soda is gone out of my life for 40 days... but I can't wait to see what happens on Easter morning.... and to look back over the past 40 days and see how far I've come.

I'm jumping in deep this time... because let's face it.. we all fall down sometimes... even that little nursery rhyme says so...

"ashes, ashes... we all fall down!"

.....after all, we are from dust. And, to dust we shall return.